little thoughts

Day by day, i am on the verge of breaking down. This is the hardest obstacle I have to pull through, cause it involved something which is mental. Every single day, I am being tortured by this little thought that I CANNOT SLEEP. Come on la, I know its kinda stupid to keep thinking of it, but it just seriously stuck in my head and i can't get it out. Even if i am not thinking about it, it's still subconsciously in my mind. What's wrong with me? Sometimes i think i am crazy. It's making me so depressed, and every night i am unable to fall asleep without my sleeping pill. Just because i have this phobia of sleeping. I just can't get this thought out of my head. Please stop torturing me physically and mentally and let me lead a normal life. 

Firstly, is my leg accident, and it took me about a year, tired physically and mentally. Now when i have just recovered, I am being tortured by depression. I have turned to every means, praying, looking for a counselor, and went to the temple to seek help. Today i went to the temple and prayed sincerely, and i drawn a lot which is a good interpretation, saying my illness will be treated by a good doctor, and all is going to be well. I am really depending and motivating myself. I hope it comes true. 

Every single day, I am struggling with the thoughts in my mind. Trying to make myself happier, trying to ignore it, or even trying to live with it. I am lost at what more i can do. I am sick and tired.

BUT I STILL DON'T FEEL LIKE GIVING UP. I kept thinking I have recovered, and i have so many things i have not done. I want to graduate with my friends, go on holidays with family, friends, and boyfriend. Kept thinking about things that will keep me going. However, it's still so hard to get through. Even harder than i thought. I am afraid that i may end up deferring my studies, which i don't want to. 

SO... Little thoughts. this is what i want to tell you. 

If you want to come into my mind and torture me, so be it. I will try not to be bothered with you and continue with my daily life. I will try to bring up my morale and become happier. I will not be defeated by you. Live with you in my mind. Hopefully, one day you will go away and don't find fault with me. By then i be a truly happy girl.