Broken into pieces

I wonder if there is a day you will be looking at this post. There is so many things going on in my mind that i don't know where to start from. Maybe I should just start from the day things happened. The fact is I can't change the truth of what you saw on my phone Even though things aren't what you thought, which I didn't explain as I know you wouldn't trust me. I don't have a right to say anything cause the fact is I hurt you. In every relationship, there is always a good and bad person. In this case, I am a bad guy in the picture. From the face book post you posted, everyone will see me in a different way. I wonder how am I to face the mutual friends we had. On a side note, is there really a right or wrong in a relationship? It doesn't felt good hurting someone so important in my life too. Sometimes love emotions are just uncontrollable.

From the moment I see you cry, I realize the importance you are to me, and it breaks my heart to see you cry. I felt my heart died after the day I lost you. No things I say or do will change the fact that i lost you. I did not hold you back cause i don't want to see you being hurt by me as I still care for you. These two days for me were tough, everything, everything i do i think of you. Are you feeling the same? All the memories we had together.The moment I lost you, I felt I have lost something soo important in my life. Just can't stop tearing. This is one of the relationship that I had felt so heartbroken and upset. Cause I really do love you.

Life still has to go on. Just want to let you know, now we ended, I am not going to be attached as well. Cause I can't move on, as my feelings for you has not fade. I will take a break from everything and just be alone. Meanwhile, I will just drown my sorrows in my pile of work. I still hold a glimpse of hope for the both of us. No matter what the case is in the future, I hope for you to lead your life well. Parts and pieces of memories we had kept flashing through my mind, and I can't seem to forget you. Even alcohol doesn't work. 

I wanted to text you. But I scared I would tear if I do so. Thus, I can only express my feelings through this space. Please take care of yourself, don't over work your work out routines and eat more. If one day you happen to see this post, hope you know that I love you and still care for you. Take care. 

Obsessive thoughts

Just when i thought that i am the only one having these terrible unwanted thoughts in my mind, i realize that actually these symptoms are relatively common in psychological terms. I have told no one about this, except my boyfriend, my bro and mum. I don't want my friends to think that i am nuts.

SIGH, why is my life full of unpredictable shitttts this year. 

A trip to the psychiatrist the other day made me realize that i am not the only one, and finally for that moment... I feel that i am not crazy. So... The actual psychological term for that is actually called OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS, which are symptoms of ANXIETY.

Looking happy is just my outer shell, but within me there is still something which is still bothering me and i cant get that thought out. 

I don't think other people can understand my situation, so i feel looking happy is still the best choice. People tell me "Just don't think about it" Yes, I know, but this unwanted thoughts are that persistent. 

Its this thoughts that keep spinning in my head, no matter what i do, its still stuck in my head. This thoughts of i cant get to sleep, keeps repeating and repeating subconsciously in my head, eventually making me have the phobia of sleeping. Makes me reliant on sleeping pills to sleep. 

Every single day, I get tortured by my unwanted thoughts and i cant focus on everything i do. Sort of takes a lot of effort. 

A mixture of stress and tiredness due to medication is what live with me, and i get a splitting headache often. Psychiatrist asked me why didn't i defer, and she was impressed that i managed to progress. She says that MY MIND IS IN A MESS NOW. Yess, i totally agree with that statement.

NOW MY INNER MIND IS A PIECE OF SHIT, LIKE THIS IMAGE LOL

This thoughts just wont go off no matter how i try to shake it off. After i done some research on google, numerous scientific studies have shown that trying too hard to "not" think about something actually causes you to think about it more than if you tried to think about it. That's because the brain keeps reminding you of the thought in order to remind you not to think about it. It's a strange way the brain works that makes it very hard for someone that wants to end their obsessive thoughts to actually stop it. 

This means to say i have to accept it and then live with it. well, i hope after sessions with the psychologist i get treated and can move on to the next stage of my life. 

Anyways i did this test on anxiety online.. and it fit into the picture of the situation i am in now.

It's hard for you to enjoy life on any consistent level. You're hardly ever experiencing a peace of mind. You're often fearful, worrisome, and unhappy. You don't like being this way but you don't know what to do to change. Things are too much work and no one understands the way you feel. You wear yourself out with your thoughts and "What-if" thinking

WHAT EXACTLY IS OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS?

Visit this website for more information http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/signs/obsessive-thoughts

Persistent and negative thoughts are one of the most common signs of an anxiety disorder. Anxiety makes it nearly impossible to stop focusing on things that you don’t want to focus on. These thoughts are rarely positive, often related to either your fears or your emotions, and in many cases the existence of the thought causes further anxiety and often leads to more obsessions.